A Statue Turned its Head

I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap, watching Murder She Wrote as I type. I've gone from watching maybe an hour or two of TV a week – and not every week at that – to watching several hours a day. I'm really rather disappointed in myself, but for a while I really wasn't capable of doing much more during the day than reading in bed or crashing in front of the TV. So this is what I've been doing with my days instead of writing here or blogging, unfortunately. These are the days I really should have been writing about, although certain aspects of the past few months I'm more than ready to forget.

I imagine that most people reading this already know why I haven't been keeping up the blog the past few months – neglecting this journal is much more unusual. After disappearing for so long, I doubt I have any readers left who aren't on my notify list or haven't already heard my news through gossip on one of the forums I post in. I know of several blogs where I've been removed from the "others" list. Perfectly understandable (I, too, remove apparently abandoned blogs from mine), but it makes me sad.

Anyway, here is the super-long, detailed version of what's kept me away. If you just want the cut to the chase version without the full story, look to this blog entry.

I don't like starting a story in the middle. Sometimes if I fail to start writing while the story is still small it will grow large and the thought of telling it overwhelming because I can't bring myself to just tell what is going on now without first telling all that lead up to it. That is, in part, what happened in this case. But only in part.

When last I wrote here (or rather, when last I wrote in the blog). I had big news that I wasn't telling. To make it short, M had received a job offer in Edmonton that we felt was worth my leaving school for (yet again!), and so we were preparing to move. I know that I could have announced the move just as simply back then I have in the preceding sentence, but at the time it was my big news and so I couldn't bring myself to write of it without writing about everything I was feeling regarding it and everything else in my mind. The only reason I can do so now is because what was big news then was soon dwarfed by the really big news.

Right before I quit updating my blog, I complained a lot about a bout of flu I was having. I felt terrible all the time and sitting at the computer made it worse, so without bothering to mention it I turned off the computer with the thought that I'd leave it off until I felt better. I expected that would be in just a few days.

A few days passed, and I felt much worse rather than better. Then it dawned on me that sore breasts were not a normal symptom of the flu Despite my recent (although lighter than usual) period, a test was procured. The directions said that it could take a few minutes for the results to appear, but in my case there were two lines almost instantly. We all know what two lines mean, don't we?

Eek. I'm pregnant. I'm happy and scared and wishing the next few months would pass quickly so that I could actually meet my baby, but at the same time I feel that I'm way too young and not anywhere near ready to actually be having a baby. Never mind that I’m twenty-five. I feel like I'm just a little girl playing at being sort of grown up most of the time.

I meant to announce it right away. I think that I even took a picture of the test which I planned to post with a "guess what?" But I was so sick and tired all the time, and so stressed out about the move, that I just couldn't bring myself to turn on the computer. Then we did move, and it was terrible and exhausting. I was so worn out when we got here that it was much easier just to continue to forget that the computer existed.

Morning sickness sucks a lot. Morning sickness also, in my case at least, has little to do with actual mornings.

Thinking back, I can't even believe how terrible I felt most of the time. I never felt hungry, no matter how little I ate, and was so low on energy that getting out of bed and going downstairs seemed an epic journey. I spent my days migrating between my bed and the couch and making poor M fetch anything I wanted when he was home because I was too tired to get up and get it myself. I lost a lot of weight during early pregnancy, but my doctor says that's common and not to worry since I had a bit of weight to lose and I was taking my prenantal vitamins the whole time.

It's so nice to be hungry and to actually want to leave the house and do things.

I'd known all the time that I was avoiding the computer that some people who are used to seeing me online every day would be a little concerned about my unexplained absence. I kept thinking I should go online and let someone know where I was, but just then I'd be feeling to sick, and I was sure I'd feel a little better the next day. Yeah. I should know by now how that works.

By the time I got around to going online briefly to check my email, I had several worried messages. A couple days after I'd responded to them and sent a note to the notify list, a card arrived (forwarded from my Prince George address) from one of the few of my online friends who knows my real name and had my address. I felt so bad and still feel so bad! I'd like to apologize once more to anyone I worried. I know I always worry when people disappear from online without notice. I really didn't mean to stay gone so long. I'm sorry.

So – I'm now I’m pregnant and living in Edmonton. That's the news.

There was another section to this entry filled with all the baby details that most people won't have heard yet. I've decided that it really deserves to stand on it's own rather than being tacked onto this ramble, so go on to the next entry to read all the bambino news.

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